I went to the National Student Roleplaying and Wargaming Championships, held just up the road at Edinburgh. Apart from the New Year, this was pretty much the only face-to-face roleplaying I’ve done in about two years – which is a fair while, I think you’ll agree. It was astounding fun, and I placed second in the “Supers” category – which means that I’ve placed in every Nationals that I’ve attended (and not GM’d).

Of course, the best bit was meeting up with everyone again, including Hobbit, Muffin, and Dr. Sordid, amongst others. The good Doctor ran day one of Supers for me (and others, obviously), and it was fantastic fun. Muffin set up shop, and appeared to do quite well.

The Nationals were really on marred by one thing – my glasses conspired to break on Friday, leaving me peering short-sightedly at everything, or using the lens that fell out as a monocle. I’ve since arranged for new glasses, but they won’t be available until Wednesday (there’s a chance for Saturday, but we’ll see what happens).

In the meantime, I’ve also decided to experiment with contact lenses – I’ve had the surprisingly complicated lessons in putting them in and taking them out, and I’ve now got a few days worth of test lenses to with which to acclimatise myself. It was extremely weird being able to see properly without my glasses on. I had them on for three hours today, and it was basically okay, apart from a brief “oh dear God there’s something in my eye!” incident right before take-them-out-time (that went away as mysteriously as it appeared), and then it took about ten minutes pawing at my eyes to get them out again. One decided it wanted to see what the other side of my eyeball looked like, but I managed to retrieve it.

I’ve got a bit of a headache; I don’t know if it’s lens-related. It could be that it was quite sunny when I was walking home, and didn’t have any sunglasses (normally I use these slip-on shades, but they need glasses to slip on) – that often can trigger a headache. I’ll see what happens tomorrow, where I’m scheduled to have them on (in? at?) for 6 hours.

I tested the lenses out on the new Doctor Who on Virgin Media’s TV-on-demand service (although my box still says it’s Telewest’s Teleport TV – poor thing’s clinging to the past). Very good, nice stuff, with not too much of the RTD flaws that are so prominent on Torchwood. I would agree with Dr. Sordid’s analysis that we could od with leaving the family dynamics at home – we need a break from that, now that Rose is gone. I’d also add that I’m sure they’re trying to be subtle about “Saxon”, but… not so much.

I also discovered that Teleport TV has old Babylon 5 episodes on offer. Schweet! I’m going to have to watch “Signs and Portents”, if only to rewatch Vir’s answer to the question “What do you want?”.

At this precise moment, however, I’ve got Cowboy Bebop: Knocking on Heaven’s Door on Sci-Fi – and I pity the poor parent who was channel-hopping and thought this might be a nice cartoon for the kids – quite a bit of blood-and-gore for just past two in the afternoon!

Oh…kay. That’s quite the venting. In the words of Austin Powers… I’m spent.

Next week – the first part of the end-of-season double-header – looks like it could be good, though.

The one thing I’ve said over and over again about Russell T. Davies’ Who is the comedy is far, far too broad. Which means that when they actually try and do a comedy episode, it rapidly degenerates into farce – and not in a good way, either.

The characters and acting were over-the-top comedic, with absolutely no realism (I practically laughed out loud when Doctor Who Confidential had one of the actors saying that Russell didn’t want geeky characters with silly voices – as that’s exactly what he got). Peter Kay is particularly bad.

Bah. Bah, I say!

Maureen Lipman, of all people, is the Big Evil, kind of the embodiment of Evil Television, sucking your brain (and visually, your face). It’s kind of interesting when a TV program slags off TV… I can’t think of any books that ponder the dangers of books, or movies that tell you that movies are Bad And Evil, yet TV is a frequent target of TV itself.

The 50′s period was very nicely done – compare and contrast to Delta and the Bannermen. Nice design and sets, which we are beginning to expect from this incarnation of Who.

As we’re also beginning to expect from this incarnation of Who, there’s a little bit too much silliness, and the Doctor’s obsession with Rose comes to the fore – he only really wants to beat the baddie when it affects Rose. You’d think that a face-sucking monster would be reason enough to get involved.

Maureen Lipman hits almost all the right notes as Everything Bad About Television, going a bit panto on the high notes, but other than that she’s very good.

And the nice thing about Who these days is I can just say, “and everyone else does their usual good job”.

Overall a rollicking good Monster of the Week Doctor Who.

All-in-all, a solid Part 1, that sets up an interesting situation, and a good solid character arc for Mickey, where previous plot threads come full circle at last. Noel Clarke in particular puts in a very good performance.

The episode gives us a fresh look at an old enemy, with the good production values we’re now getting used to. Slightly let down by an overacting villain, but that happens occasionally.

Full recap to follow, so obviously spoilers ahoy.

So we start with a mysterious Someone in a high-tech wheelchair who seems to want to make – or possibly re-make – Cybermen. Standard Doctor Who evilness. Muahahaha. His “Overacting” button appears to be stuck. Mr. Evil is John Lumic, according to the proto-Cyberman. His minion tries to tell Mr. Evil that the Geneva won’t approve, due to the “Bio Convention”. He should know better. Lumic orders the proto-Cyberman to kill Dr. Minion, and Dr. Minion perishes in a blaze of electricity. Lumic gives orders to set sail to Great Britain.

Now we’re with the Doc and the Tardis crew. A bit of Rose and the Doctor reminiscing over stuff, showing how much of an outsider Micky is. It turns out Mickey’s been holding a button about half an hour longer than he should have needed to, as the Doctor just forgot about him. Mean of the Doctor. And Rose, for that matter. I wonder if there’s hazing involved for the new boy.

Suddenly, there are sparks. Things have Gone Wrong. Explosions, shaky camera, thud. Oxygen masks drop from the ceiling. Heh. The Doctor attempts to make us believe that the Tardis is dead. Yeah, right. He does sell it well, but absolutely nobody watching believes him. I certainly don’t.

Supposedly the Tardis has fallen out of the Time Vortex, and landed “Nowhere”. But Micky, not trusting the Doctor’s opinion (which seems wiser than for previous incarnations) has spotted London outside. Only it’s not normal London, it’s got weirdness, including zepplins overhead. Micky again shows he’s not thick by declaring this a parallel universe. And according to a bus shelter poster it turns out Rose’s Dad Pete is alive in this world – and a success! Spooky.

The Doctor is very, very afraid of Rose’s reaction to seeing Alt-Pete’s likeness on the bus shelter. He says Rose can’t see him – not ever. This seems a little strong, but then, given that the last time she saw a Pete, she managed to nearly destroy all of time and space, perhaps it’s warrented.

Cut to: a swank mansion, a swank car. Licence plate: PETE 1. I can see where this is heading. Out of the swank car in the swank driveway of the swank car steps swank Alt-Pete in a swank suit with a yellow boquet of flowers. “It’s only me!”

He is met by… Oh, dear god, Alternative Jackie! Good gravy! She’s every bit as bad as you could imagine she’d do with money. She’s very very unhappy with Alt-Pete, as Alt-Pete has put up Happy Birthday banners that have Alt-Jackie’s true age. The Cad! To top things off, he hasn’t even bought her a zepplin for her birthday! She does, however, have nice earphone-things that Mr. Lumic sent round special. Now’s probably the time to mention that everyone appears to be wearing these things – small headphones stuck to each ear.

Alt-Jackie’s earpods can pick up signals from Venezuala, but Alt-Pete wonders why that would be a good thing.

We also have Alt-Rose! Otherwise known as a small dog.

Alt-Pete is phoned by Mr. Lumic, on the earpods. Alt-Pete thanks Mr. Lumic for the earpods – Mr. Lumic says they’re hand-made, so please take care. It appears Alt-Pete is in league with Mr. Lumic, or at least working for him. Mr. Lumic is flying in so that “The President of Great Britain” can make a decision. Alt-Pete’s not sure he can make it, but Mr. Lumic insists.

After a hit of oxygen, Mr. Lumic uses his control of Alt-Jackie’s Earpieces of Evil to take Jackie over. People unfamiliar with Cybermen might not recognise the ear-handle-with-light-on-top arrangement. He downloads all the security information for the birthday party. He then vidphones is head minion, Mr. Crane, telling him that he will need “extra staff”. Mr. Crane sets off in an ominous truck.

The Doctor berates Mickey for letting Rose wander off. Mickey calls the Doctor on worrying about Rose, and not him. The Doctor kicks the TARDIS, which apparently helped, and hurt.

Rose finds herself a park bench, and watches the Zepplins. Her mobile phone beeps for attention, and to her surprise it is now showing her the news. The News tells us that John Lumic, the creator of “High Content Metal” isn’t actually suffering from ill health.

The Doctor exposits that the TARDIS draws its power from the Universe – but this is the wrong Universe. Mickey says everyone’s hopping from alternate to alternate in the comics, but the Doctor explains the doors between alternative were closed when the Time Lords died. Suddenly, the Doctor spots one green light in the depths of the TARDIS. Well well, looks like the TARDIS isn’t dead after all. Colour me surprised.

The Lumic Minions take their Minionmobile to pick up homeless people, luring them with hot food. A strangely unstarved man exposits that people have been going missing, and please don’t go into the truck, Mr. Homeless man. But do they ever ilsten? Well, no. But the unstarved man has a camcorder! He records people going into the truck, and then the sudden screams from within.

El Doc finds the light, which turns out to be a tiny power cell, and breaths life into it, quite literally. Rose, on her bench, uses her phone and its new-found Internet connection to research her family. Meanwhile, the Doctor explains the power cell will recharge in 24 hours. We’re saved! Well, saved in 24 hours. So now the parallel world is less horribly dangerous than it was scant seconds ago, and wandering about is no problem. Handy.

Rose has found out she’s unique – there’s no Alt-Rose, according to the Internet, even though Alt-Pete and Alt-Jackey Alt-married. Apparently the Internet doesn’t mention little canine Rose. Rose says she’s going to meet them, and Mickey suddenly appears to have somewhere to go – which is a bit of a surprise to the Doctor. As Mickey says, we don’t know anything about him. They go their separate ways, leaving the Doctor to choose which one to follow. Micky makes the point that it’s always Rose, and the Doctor is forced to agree. Micky looks like he’s in danger of actually growing a pair, hinting he might not come back to the TARDIS if he gets a better offer.

The President of Great Britain and Pete meet up before going to see Mr. Evil. They chat a bit, enough for Alt-Pete to mention his company got bought up by Lumic’s Cybus Industries, and for the President to imply he thinks Mr. Lumic’s a nutter.

Micky goes… well, wherever he’s going. He has to go through an army checkpoint, but “curfew doesn’t start ’til 10″. Well well. Turns out the “Toffs” live in the zepplins.

Rose tells us and the Doctor about Micky’s sad past. Abandoned by both parents, raised by Gran, who died five years ago, falling down the stairs. Rose and the Doctor begin to realise how little they know Mickey. Rose wonders if Gran is still alive here, and the Doctor basically shrugs and repeats his “Gingerbread house” motif.

Then something beeps around them, and everyone nearby just freezes. Oooh. The earpods have little flickering blue lights, flickering in unison. Rose’s phone is also affected, and downloads various things. The Doctor exposits that everything’s connected together. Everyone gets the same information from Cybus Industries each day, downloaded straight into their heads. Not suspicious at all, this. And now it turns out Pete’s company is actually involved in it all, the Doctor reluctantly agrees to go see.

Micky goes to (presumably) his Grans. She’s blind. Interesting. She recognises his voice, but thinks he’s called Ricky. She thought he might have been dissapeared.

Gran has been worried that (R/M)ickey got himself dissapeared, like so many others. Mickey notices that Gran’s stair carpet is dangerously ragged, and says he should have fixed it. “I guess I’m just kind of useless.” Aw. This is obviously feeding into his experiences with the Doctor and Rose and everything else up to this point. Nice acting from Micky.

Gran tells (R/M)icky she’s unhappy with his new friends. Micky is confused, but conveniently the friends turn up in a blue van and kidnap him. Camcorder Boy tells (R/M)ickey that he now has evidence of people being snatched. The van driver, an older woman with a Welsh accent, traced the truck back to Cybus Industries. They take surprisingly long to work out Mickey’s not who he says he is, in that they don’t. (R/M)ickey’s apparently now the number one wanted person in London, thanks to the loss of “Thin Jimmy”.

Mr. Lumic tells the President and other luminaries he’s perfected the long awaited Brain-In-A-Jar project. The brain sits in a vat of “Copyrighted Chemicals”. Heh New advances allow the BIAJ to control a metal exo-skeleton. Lumic calls this the “Ultimate Upgrade”.

The President forbids further research on the brain jar, ‘cos it’s evil, and leaves. Mr. Evil is unhappy. Alt-Pete says they could always try New Germany, but Mr. Evil wants to do it in Britain, dammit.

Head Minion Mr. Crane shows off the latest batch of homeless people, all nicely under control, to Mr. Lumic. Mr. Crane is ordered to start the “upgrade”, despite the lack of permission. The men are marched off to a red room, whenre even under complete control, they scream. Can’t be good. We fade out on a rather unpleasant-looking surgery robot, to strains of “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”. We get an establishing shot of Battersey Power Station, which presumably is Cyber Central.

Action Micky and the Alt Squad (the driver is name-checked as “Mrs. Moore”) arrive at their base, and are alarmed that someone is already there. They charge in, and meet Alt-(M/R)icky, who is bemused by the new addition. Guns are drawn. Very few point Ricky’s way, much to Mickey’s chagrin.

Doc and Rose crash Alt-Jackie’s birthday bash. It’s all very swish. D&R disguise themselves as wait staff, much to Rose’s irritation. However, I’m sure everyone who isn’t interested in Billie Piper in a Maid’s uniform will be interested in David Tennent in a tuxedo.

The President of Great Britain is in attendance, it seems.

Alt-Pete gives a speech. Rose is affected by the sight of her not-quite-Dad. Alt-Jackie is introduced, to applause. She gives a speech about not giving a speech, and orders everyone to enjoy. Rose discovers the existence Alt-Rose (canine), which cracks the Doc up.

Head Minion Mr. Crane goes to inspect some marching boots, attatched to out of focus things that we aren’t supposed to realise are Cybermen. As his zepplin arrives at the power station, Mr. Lumic declares they are to be sent forth.

Micky is being scanned by the Alt Squad, and is declared clean. Ricky interrogates Micky. Some eyeline trouble on the effects, but the performance(s) are good. Ricky exposits that the Alt Squad are the remaining unplugged people in London. They’re after Mr. Evil. Mickey is a little dubious about how they’re going to get him from their kitchen. But he quickly says it’s a nice kitchen.

Just then, they get word from “Gemini” that Mr. Lumic is on the move. They’re following on.

The Minion Truck of Evil drives past, and the Altmobile follows. Micky is in the back of the Altmobile, as they arm up with AKs. Ricky drives.

The Doc wanders past a computer terminal, and curiosity gets the better of him.

While Alt-Jackie laughs with the President, Alt-Pete talks to Rose, who offers him champagne in her waitressly persona. She learns that Alt-Jackie kept putting of kids in order to keep her figure. Alt-Pete tells Rose that Alt-Pete and Alt-Jackie are splitting up on the quiet, and in fact he’s already moved out. Rose appears to have a face he can trust, strangely enough. He suddenly moves off to talk to “Stevey” about how things are going at “Torchwood”. Even Parallel universes are not immune to the power of spin offs.

The Alt Squad follow the Truck of Evil to Pete Tyler’s house, the apparent target. Mrs. Moore, who appears quite the hacker, seems to have a handle on the house’s security.

Boots come out of the Truck of Evil. Rickey and Camcorder Boy watch, worried.

Rose brings champagne to Alt-Jackie on the porch. They chat. Rose tries to bring Alt-Jackie and Alt-Pete back together, but gets an earful of snobbery instead. Exaunt Alt-Jackie, nose in the air. Rose gets the first full-on look at the Cybermen approaching the porch.

The Doctor, watching the “Brain-in-a-vat” video on on the computer, puts two and two together. He finds Rose, and tells her these are Cybermen. Alt-Cybermen, I suppose.

The Cybermen crash the party, quite literally. Mr. Lumic phones, and talks to the President, as the Doctor exposits that the Cybermen are living brains in metal bodies, with no emotions, “Because it hurts”. Mr. Lumic leaves the guests in the tender mercies of the Cybermen.

The Cybermen claim to be “Human point 2″. They will give everyone a free upgrade, and “delete” everyone who refuses. The Human == Computer analogy officially just got old. They “delete” (i.e. electricute) the President. Chaos and killing ensue. The Doctor grabs Rose and they run.

The Cybermen seem to be doing a heck of a lot more deleting than they are upgrading. Hm.

Alt-Jackie runs to the cellar, pursued by Cyberboots that only just fit on the stairs.

The Alt-Squad arrive, guns blazing uselessly. Rose hugs Rickey, to the amusement of all. Well, me, anyway.

They are surrounded by Cybermen, and the Doctor attempts to surrender, and volunteer for the Upgrade progam. The Cybermen don’t seem to care much. They declare the Doctor and company to be “rogue elements” to be deleted!

By the way, “Delete” is not anything remotely as good a catchphrase as “Exterminate”, and they are wrong to try.

[+/-] show/hide this post

• Saturday, Finished filming for U.S.S. Intrepid. This involved going back to Glen Doll and running about hills for a day. As someone in a sedentry job, this led to very, very sore legs. Said sore legs lated until Thursday. However, we got all the scenes done, so I guess it’s all postproduction from here on in. Some of which is down to me.
• Thought I was never going to be able to watch Doctor Who (The Girl in the Fireplace), as the Saturday showing was late (curse you, Strictly Dancing!), thus breaking my scheduled recording, and it wasn’t on Teleport Replay like I’d gotten used to. But luckily BBC3 had a repeat. Review to follow.
• Took Wednesday off to rest my legs, as the walk to and from work on Monday and Tuesday was agony. Even today, a full week after, walking up to the shops is quite sore.
• Very little else.

With good luck and a following wind, I should at least get back on track with weekly Doctor Who reviews and/or recaps.

We begin with Mr. Tony Head. Ah, what fun. Apparently he eats schoolchildren. I do believe that’s about three different types of wrong.

The Doctor and Rose are investigating a school where there is a sudden rise in results, but many strange goings on. It turns out that he’s been brought in by Micky, presumably via Rose’s magic cellphone. And, strangely enough, Sarah Jane Smith, investigative reporter, has been drawn to the same story…

Elizabeth Sladen is every bit as fantastic as she ever was. Her moment of meeting the Doctor – alt least when she realises that’s who it is – is lovely. Wonderful conversation between her and Rose about the nature of being a Companion. Excellent acting from both. And K9!

The plot is pretty much meaningless, and the aliens, I’m afraid, are fairly naff-looking. But Tony Head is deliciously creepy, and he really, really sells it. He and David Tennent have a terribly tense confrontation over a swimming pool – and really, the Doctor is the one who comes off as the darkest…

The emotional core of the episode is obviously the light shone on the relationship of The Doctor and Rose by the contrast with Sarah – is what happened to Sarah going to happen to Rose? Their scenes together were wonderfully acted, on both sides.

All-in-all, good, good stuff. I’m beginning to run out of superlatives!

[+/-] show/hide this post

Next week’s episode teaser leaves me a bit cold, though. Ah, well, we’ll see how it turns out.

Okay, we open with some completely over the top Kung Fu monks in Victorian Scotland – as you do. The Kung Fu movie part of me wishes they’d done a better job of it, but I understand good stunt work along those lines can be prohibitively expensive… They overrun someone’s manor house, hauling the staff, and “Milady” downstairs. They are then threatened with something in a cage.

Ah, Billy Piper in cut-off dungarees. Intersting look. The Doctor is planning to take Rose to Sheffield in 1979, for an Ian Dury and the Blockheads concert. One could guess that’s going to go wrong. Hm, he’s taking the blame for Skylab falling…

They emerge onto Scotland, to be confronted by Scotsmen on horses, with guns. “Ah, 1879. Same difference,” sighs the Doctor.

Okay, amusing David Tennents (Scottish) pretending to fake a Scottish accent. Even more amusing, Rose attempting same and being told “Really, don’t do that”. The Doc also claims to be Jamie McCrimmon (!) from Balamory (!!). The Magic Psychic Paper convinces all and sundry.

The Scotsmen on Horses are guarding a carriage, whose occupant bids them approach. And goodness, if it isn’t Queen Victoria.

Nice respectful music when we meet Vickie. Awww. She’s quite amusing. The Queen declares that the Psychic Paper states that the Doctor has been appointed as her Protector. The Doctor wonders why Her Maj is travelling Scotland by coach when there’s a train to Aberdeen, and goes straight from “There’s a tree on the line” to “Assassination attempt?”. Oh, how very quick he is. They are headed to Sir Robert McCleish’s house, Torchwood Castle, as it’s nearly nightfall and there are legends of Wolves abroad.

The Doctor and Rose have a happy moment about meeting Queen Victoria.

Rose: “Bet you five quid I can get you [Victoria] to say ["We are not amused"]“
Doc: “Being a gambling man would be an abuse of my position as a traveller through time”
Rose: “Ten quid?”
Doc: “Done.”

Evil Kung Fu monks are now dressed up as Evil Butlers. And you just know they did it. Sir Robert is threatened by Head Evil Monk that his wife will be “devoured”. So he greets Her Maj, trying subtly to get her to go away. It fails. Her Maj declares that although she hasn’t been to Torchwood Estate, her late beloved husband spent quite a lot of time there.

I like the leader of Vickie’s Guard, Captain Reynolds. He packs the other Guardsmen away to, well, guard, after telling the Doctor to mind his own business about what’s in a Mysterious Box.

The man in the cage tells the Cellar occupants to Sh.

During the tour of Casa Torchwood, it turns out Sir Robert’s pater liked telescopes, building one by hand, neglecting the house to do so. Doc is critical of it, claiming the ‘scope has too many prisms and too much magnification, until he gets the vague realisation he might be being rude. Vikkers likes the telescope, wants to hear about the local Wolf legends, and is probably well aware of what Rose is up to with her increasingly unsubtle “We are not amused” attempts.

Vikkie lets us know that Prince Albert knew of the local Wolf legends, and Sir Robert nearly starts to tell us about it. Evil Butlermonk interrupts storytime by claiming it’ll be dinner soon. Vicky asks for clothes for “naked” Billie, and exposits that it is Full Moon tonight.

The Evil Monks cook branches for tea. I’m sure they’re Evil Branches. They confirm this by feeding Evil Branch Tea to the guardsmen, who then fall down.

Rose’s room has that most useful of mod cons – a scared Exposition Maid in the closet, who explains the situation for Rose. I think I need an exposition maid. I might understand what’s going on in my life. Rose, naturally, heads for the Doctor, but discovers the drugged guardsmen, right before she gets herself Companioned, that is, Kidnapped.

Dinner with the Queen. She’s mean to poor, poor Guard Captain, but he was sucking up, so he deserves it. Nice acting from Pauline Collins as Victoria, bringing her humanity as she reminices about Albert. She’s just basically good in this entire episode.

Sir Robert is again enjoined to tell his wolf tale, and it appears this time Evil Butler Monk is okay with storytime.

In the cellar with the rest of the household, Rose learns what’s keeping the staff at bay. She’s unimpressed, given his caged state, until he opens his solid black eyes. He’s been assigned devouring duty, if the staff make a noise.

Robert tells of the Wolf – going back 300 years. Every full moon, missing sheep, occasional missing children, and once a generation, a boy goes missing from his household. Guard Captain scoffs, thus sealing his doom.

Rose talks to the Caged Man, who is seriously creepy. Rose assumes he’s some kind of alien, and he doesn’t exactly deny it, claiming he has lived in this body since the monks cut out a boy’s soul and sat him in the boy’s heart. Nasty.

Sir Robert tells us the Wolf is a Werewolf.

The Wolf-man states he likes this planet, with its industry and workforce and warfare. He wants to bite Victora, and enter her, and create the Empire Of The Wolf. He also seems to feel a kinship with Rose – as she too, was once possessed (referring to the events of the final episode of last series). Oooh!

Robert continues expositing. His father believed in the tales, and had communed with the beast, learning its secrets. He tells of a group of Monks who may have turned from God and instead started worshipping the Wolf. The Doctor hears the chanting, and immediately works out that they’re here…

In the cellar, Mr. Wolf glories in the moonlight. Rose enjoins everyone to stop looking at the monster, and instead pull the chains form the wall, rallying everyone else to help, including Mrs Sir Robert.

Sir Robert apologizes to the Queen.

Nice Change effects as Mr. Wolf wolfs out.. Very, very nice. Rose continues to pull.

Head Evil Monk disarms the Guard Captain, leaving Vickie all alone. The Doctor and Sir Robert run to the cellar to rescue all concerned (Rose having succesfully gotten the chains broken), pausing only so the Doctor can admire the Werewolf, now in his full Crinos form (I’m such a geek). The Werewolf breaks the mood by throwing the roof of his cage at the Doctor.

Head Evil Monk threatens Her Maj, but she pulls a revolver from her purse. But it’s a Doctor Who monster, so how far do you think that’s going to take her? She fires.

The Doctor gets some exposition from Rose while the menfolk arm themselves, then heads out to confront El Lupus. He quickly scurries back, leading the Wolf into an ambush so the menfolk can pepper the beastie with guns.

Mrs. Robert’s and Rose’s Exposition Maid try to flee with the rest of the womenfolk, but the door is locked, and surrounded by armed Monks.

An overconfident groundsman thinks “nothing on God’s Earth could survive such an assault”. Dead in three, two, one…

The womenfolk cower in the kitchen, but are mysteriously not eaten. The Werewolf sticks his head in the door, sniffs the air, but then leaves.

Vickie comes down to join the fun, claiming Head Evil Monk was dealt with by the Captain of the Guard. Oooh, lies! When they try to leave via the window, the Evil Orange Monks apply their Kung Fu shotguns. Defenestration is abandoned in favour of running around the Manor house. This looks like it is going to end badly, until Mr. Guard Captain appears and shoots El Beastie. Hm. So Vickie isn’t pre-bitten?

The Captain says “The Property” is missing, and is assured by Vickie that she has it. He volunteers to stay behind and buy some time, which he does, by dying messily. Well, I presume messily, but definitely crunchily.

The Doc, Her Maj, Rose and Sir Robert end up barricaded in a nice-looking sitting room/library, with the Werewolf outside. Rose wonders what’s stopping it. So does the Doctor. The Doctor and Rose share a happy moment over meeting a Werewolf.

Sir Robert apaologizes about not being able to subtly direct the Queen away.

“Did you notice nothing strange about my household?”

“Well, they were bald, athletic… Your wife was away, I thought you were just happy…”

Vicky gets annoyed. She won’t have it. “This is not my world”.

Mrs. Sir Robert works out the reason she wasn’t eaten in the kitchen was because of the Mistletoe – the Evil Branches the Kung Fu monks brought in. The Doctor, seeing mistletoe inscribed on the doors, and tasting the Library walls realises the same thing – according to the him, the Monks probably conditioned Wolfie to avoid Mistletoe – to simply ignore its presence. And it turns out that Sir Robert Senior knew this and impregnated the walls of the library room with Oil of Mistletoe. How forward-thinking of him. Sir Robert mopes that it’s all well and good, but they don’t have a weapon. The Doc is unhappy with Sir Robert junior’s brains, opining that this library is the greatest weapon they could want.

Mrs. Sir Robert says she will help her husband whatever happens.

A quick Library Use roll later, they find the original account of something falling to Earth in 1540. It’s taken since then for whatever survived the crash to become a threat, surviving from host to host. The Doctor, with some Rose Exposition, finds out the Wolf wants to take over Victoria, and bring in a glorious age of Steampunk. Sounds good to me. Apparently leaving history devastated in its wake, which I suppose is the downside.

Vikkers picks this moment to bring out the “possession”, which turns out to be the Koh-i-noor diamond, and entrusts it to Sir Bob. History time – it turns out Albert was never happy with the Koh-i-noor, always coming to Scotland to get it cut – not happy with the shine. And the Doc works out that Albert and Sir Robert Senior were doing more than just telling ghost stories back in the day, they were coming up with a way to turn the Torchwood estate from a trap for Victoria into a trap for the Wolf, and it involved the diamond.

The Wolf decides there’s been enough talk, so drops through the skylight. There is much runnage. Rose is saved by the Kitchen Brigade, who douse the Hairy One with essence of Mistletoe. Hoorah!

Everyone scurries upstairs, to find the telescope. The Doctor needs time, and Sir Robert goes to die, er buy some time. The Doctor starts to adjust the telescope.

The Werewolf menaces Sir Robert, who is unhappy about having been forced to commit treason. He buys back his honour posthumously with some really, really nasty crunching and thumping sounds.

The Doc and Rose keep turning the Big Wheel to try and aim the telescope, in order to focus moonlight like a laser on the Wolf. They don’t quite get it right by the time Wolf Boy arrives, and Vickie looks to be Queenskebab when the Doc slides the Koh-I-Noor in the way to redirect the beam and pin the wolf against the wall with light (neat trick, light having no actual mass and all).

The wolf turns back to human, and asks for the light to be made brighter, so he can go. And thus it is done.

Vicky has a “cut” on her wrist, it seems. And she is terribly protective of it. I do hope it isn’t a werewolf bite, because that would be awful.

Tea and Medals. Her Maj knights The Doc (Sir Doctor of Tardis? Why not of Galifrey?) and Dames Rose of the Powell Estate. The Doctor says something warm about Prince Albert protecting Victoria from beyond the grave.

Then Vickie gets all shirty and banishes the Doctor and Rose from her Empire, because they’re all alien and stuff. And she is not amused, so the Doc owes Rose a tenner.

Exaunt Doctor and Rose, speculating that the Royal Family are all Werewolves, ‘cos Vicky’s been infected by a small amount of Wolf, which will manifest itself in about, oooh, now. This apparently explains everything about the Royal Family, including their passion for hunting and Princess Anne.

Back at Casa Sir Robert, Vicky is still miffed over the alien stuff. So she decides she needs to create a Doctor Who spin-off in order to protect Britain, named after Sir Robert’s castle. And thus is born Torchwood!

Next Week: Tony Head! Sarah Jane Smith! K9! Chips!

[+/-] show/hide this post
In Summary – This is Doctor Who! Barely a pause from beginning to end, chokkablock with fantastic moments, with barely anything I can think of to criticise. Incredible rollicking fun. It seems that Russel Davis does his best work in the historicals or modern-day episodes, being much weaker in the future. More of this, please!

First episode of the new series – and we’re ripping off stuff from the beginning of episode two. Huh. It does vaguely look like they’re trying to use old props and such they had lying around.

Especially the revisiting of old characters. Not entirely convinced that Cassandra was sufficiently interesting to revisit.

Nor am I convinced that in the year five billion and twenty-odd the concept of “Chav” is still extant, or that Cassandra would have access to a 20th Century film projector, with film of a 20th century (looking) party starring herself. Five billion years is more than the time it took for life on Earth to go from it’s very beginnings to, well, us. Arguements over whether we are the pinnacle of evolution aside, five billion years from now is time enough for our stomach flora to evolve sentience. It’s unreasonable to assume that anything vaguely human would still be around.

And apparently, espite what they said in “Last Human”, there are apparenly tons of human-ish people around – with enough memory of Earth to build a city called “New New York”. After five billion years. Right.

And our Doctor can tell that a cure is going to come about in the year five billion and a thousand, as opposed five billion and twenty-odd.

And the Doctor is referred to as being a “Wandering God”?! And he seems to be taking that seriously? Setting himself up as the one moral authority? Odd.

And that bloody tease of a Face of Boe! Grrr! “I’ll just drag you five billion years into the future, just to tell you I’m not going to tell you anything!” Pillock.

And, as usual, the single 45-minute episode has to be rushed to get everything in by the end. There were very interesting concepts in there, that I think could have done with a bit more discussion – the idea of cloning humans to act as essentially medical supplies has a lot of ethical implications, even before they suddenly achieve sentience (and language, somehow, despite being locked up in a green tube from birth).

Cat make-up is nice, though. The usual good production values, although I didn’t like the New (new new new etc.) New Yor shots. Billie Piper does a very good job of differentiating between being Rose and being Cassandra. David Tennent has a little bit too much fun when he gets a go

And now the bloody sound’s gone out! Argh! But at least all I’m missing is the drippy “Cassandra suddenly goes all nice just in time to die” ending. Bah. “I must live! I must live! Oh, now I’m in this body, I don’t mind dying!”

I suspect I’m letting my irritation with the “year five billion” thing cloud my enjoyment of what is otherwise a solid New Doctor Who episode. And that’s the important thing – New Doctor Who!

Oh, well, next week is Victorian werewolves. And mad Victorian kung-fu monks. Huh.
[+/-] show/hide this post