Not so much a review, as a recap. Thus, spoilery to the max.

Okay, we open with some completely over the top Kung Fu monks in Victorian Scotland – as you do. The Kung Fu movie part of me wishes they’d done a better job of it, but I understand good stunt work along those lines can be prohibitively expensive… They overrun someone’s manor house, hauling the staff, and “Milady” downstairs. They are then threatened with something in a cage.

Ah, Billy Piper in cut-off dungarees. Intersting look. The Doctor is planning to take Rose to Sheffield in 1979, for an Ian Dury and the Blockheads concert. One could guess that’s going to go wrong. Hm, he’s taking the blame for Skylab falling…

They emerge onto Scotland, to be confronted by Scotsmen on horses, with guns. “Ah, 1879. Same difference,” sighs the Doctor.

Okay, amusing David Tennents (Scottish) pretending to fake a Scottish accent. Even more amusing, Rose attempting same and being told “Really, don’t do that”. The Doc also claims to be Jamie McCrimmon (!) from Balamory (!!). The Magic Psychic Paper convinces all and sundry.

The Scotsmen on Horses are guarding a carriage, whose occupant bids them approach. And goodness, if it isn’t Queen Victoria.

Nice respectful music when we meet Vickie. Awww. She’s quite amusing. The Queen declares that the Psychic Paper states that the Doctor has been appointed as her Protector. The Doctor wonders why Her Maj is travelling Scotland by coach when there’s a train to Aberdeen, and goes straight from “There’s a tree on the line” to “Assassination attempt?”. Oh, how very quick he is. They are headed to Sir Robert McCleish’s house, Torchwood Castle, as it’s nearly nightfall and there are legends of Wolves abroad.

The Doctor and Rose have a happy moment about meeting Queen Victoria.

Rose: “Bet you five quid I can get you [Victoria] to say ["We are not amused"]“
Doc: “Being a gambling man would be an abuse of my position as a traveller through time”
Rose: “Ten quid?”
Doc: “Done.”

Evil Kung Fu monks are now dressed up as Evil Butlers. And you just know they did it. Sir Robert is threatened by Head Evil Monk that his wife will be “devoured”. So he greets Her Maj, trying subtly to get her to go away. It fails. Her Maj declares that although she hasn’t been to Torchwood Estate, her late beloved husband spent quite a lot of time there.

I like the leader of Vickie’s Guard, Captain Reynolds. He packs the other Guardsmen away to, well, guard, after telling the Doctor to mind his own business about what’s in a Mysterious Box.

The man in the cage tells the Cellar occupants to Sh.

During the tour of Casa Torchwood, it turns out Sir Robert’s pater liked telescopes, building one by hand, neglecting the house to do so. Doc is critical of it, claiming the ‘scope has too many prisms and too much magnification, until he gets the vague realisation he might be being rude. Vikkers likes the telescope, wants to hear about the local Wolf legends, and is probably well aware of what Rose is up to with her increasingly unsubtle “We are not amused” attempts.

Vikkie lets us know that Prince Albert knew of the local Wolf legends, and Sir Robert nearly starts to tell us about it. Evil Butlermonk interrupts storytime by claiming it’ll be dinner soon. Vicky asks for clothes for “naked” Billie, and exposits that it is Full Moon tonight.

The Evil Monks cook branches for tea. I’m sure they’re Evil Branches. They confirm this by feeding Evil Branch Tea to the guardsmen, who then fall down.

Rose’s room has that most useful of mod cons – a scared Exposition Maid in the closet, who explains the situation for Rose. I think I need an exposition maid. I might understand what’s going on in my life. Rose, naturally, heads for the Doctor, but discovers the drugged guardsmen, right before she gets herself Companioned, that is, Kidnapped.

Dinner with the Queen. She’s mean to poor, poor Guard Captain, but he was sucking up, so he deserves it. Nice acting from Pauline Collins as Victoria, bringing her humanity as she reminices about Albert. She’s just basically good in this entire episode.

Sir Robert is again enjoined to tell his wolf tale, and it appears this time Evil Butler Monk is okay with storytime.

In the cellar with the rest of the household, Rose learns what’s keeping the staff at bay. She’s unimpressed, given his caged state, until he opens his solid black eyes. He’s been assigned devouring duty, if the staff make a noise.

Robert tells of the Wolf – going back 300 years. Every full moon, missing sheep, occasional missing children, and once a generation, a boy goes missing from his household. Guard Captain scoffs, thus sealing his doom.

Rose talks to the Caged Man, who is seriously creepy. Rose assumes he’s some kind of alien, and he doesn’t exactly deny it, claiming he has lived in this body since the monks cut out a boy’s soul and sat him in the boy’s heart. Nasty.

Sir Robert tells us the Wolf is a Werewolf.

The Wolf-man states he likes this planet, with its industry and workforce and warfare. He wants to bite Victora, and enter her, and create the Empire Of The Wolf. He also seems to feel a kinship with Rose – as she too, was once possessed (referring to the events of the final episode of last series). Oooh!

Robert continues expositing. His father believed in the tales, and had communed with the beast, learning its secrets. He tells of a group of Monks who may have turned from God and instead started worshipping the Wolf. The Doctor hears the chanting, and immediately works out that they’re here…

In the cellar, Mr. Wolf glories in the moonlight. Rose enjoins everyone to stop looking at the monster, and instead pull the chains form the wall, rallying everyone else to help, including Mrs Sir Robert.

Sir Robert apologizes to the Queen.

Nice Change effects as Mr. Wolf wolfs out.. Very, very nice. Rose continues to pull.

Head Evil Monk disarms the Guard Captain, leaving Vickie all alone. The Doctor and Sir Robert run to the cellar to rescue all concerned (Rose having succesfully gotten the chains broken), pausing only so the Doctor can admire the Werewolf, now in his full Crinos form (I’m such a geek). The Werewolf breaks the mood by throwing the roof of his cage at the Doctor.

Head Evil Monk threatens Her Maj, but she pulls a revolver from her purse. But it’s a Doctor Who monster, so how far do you think that’s going to take her? She fires.

The Doctor gets some exposition from Rose while the menfolk arm themselves, then heads out to confront El Lupus. He quickly scurries back, leading the Wolf into an ambush so the menfolk can pepper the beastie with guns.

Mrs. Robert’s and Rose’s Exposition Maid try to flee with the rest of the womenfolk, but the door is locked, and surrounded by armed Monks.

An overconfident groundsman thinks “nothing on God’s Earth could survive such an assault”. Dead in three, two, one…

The womenfolk cower in the kitchen, but are mysteriously not eaten. The Werewolf sticks his head in the door, sniffs the air, but then leaves.

Vickie comes down to join the fun, claiming Head Evil Monk was dealt with by the Captain of the Guard. Oooh, lies! When they try to leave via the window, the Evil Orange Monks apply their Kung Fu shotguns. Defenestration is abandoned in favour of running around the Manor house. This looks like it is going to end badly, until Mr. Guard Captain appears and shoots El Beastie. Hm. So Vickie isn’t pre-bitten?

The Captain says “The Property” is missing, and is assured by Vickie that she has it. He volunteers to stay behind and buy some time, which he does, by dying messily. Well, I presume messily, but definitely crunchily.

The Doc, Her Maj, Rose and Sir Robert end up barricaded in a nice-looking sitting room/library, with the Werewolf outside. Rose wonders what’s stopping it. So does the Doctor. The Doctor and Rose share a happy moment over meeting a Werewolf.

Sir Robert apaologizes about not being able to subtly direct the Queen away.

“Did you notice nothing strange about my household?”

“Well, they were bald, athletic… Your wife was away, I thought you were just happy…”

Vicky gets annoyed. She won’t have it. “This is not my world”.

Mrs. Sir Robert works out the reason she wasn’t eaten in the kitchen was because of the Mistletoe – the Evil Branches the Kung Fu monks brought in. The Doctor, seeing mistletoe inscribed on the doors, and tasting the Library walls realises the same thing – according to the him, the Monks probably conditioned Wolfie to avoid Mistletoe – to simply ignore its presence. And it turns out that Sir Robert Senior knew this and impregnated the walls of the library room with Oil of Mistletoe. How forward-thinking of him. Sir Robert mopes that it’s all well and good, but they don’t have a weapon. The Doc is unhappy with Sir Robert junior’s brains, opining that this library is the greatest weapon they could want.

Mrs. Sir Robert says she will help her husband whatever happens.

A quick Library Use roll later, they find the original account of something falling to Earth in 1540. It’s taken since then for whatever survived the crash to become a threat, surviving from host to host. The Doctor, with some Rose Exposition, finds out the Wolf wants to take over Victoria, and bring in a glorious age of Steampunk. Sounds good to me. Apparently leaving history devastated in its wake, which I suppose is the downside.

Vikkers picks this moment to bring out the “possession”, which turns out to be the Koh-i-noor diamond, and entrusts it to Sir Bob. History time – it turns out Albert was never happy with the Koh-i-noor, always coming to Scotland to get it cut – not happy with the shine. And the Doc works out that Albert and Sir Robert Senior were doing more than just telling ghost stories back in the day, they were coming up with a way to turn the Torchwood estate from a trap for Victoria into a trap for the Wolf, and it involved the diamond.

The Wolf decides there’s been enough talk, so drops through the skylight. There is much runnage. Rose is saved by the Kitchen Brigade, who douse the Hairy One with essence of Mistletoe. Hoorah!

Everyone scurries upstairs, to find the telescope. The Doctor needs time, and Sir Robert goes to die, er buy some time. The Doctor starts to adjust the telescope.

The Werewolf menaces Sir Robert, who is unhappy about having been forced to commit treason. He buys back his honour posthumously with some really, really nasty crunching and thumping sounds.

The Doc and Rose keep turning the Big Wheel to try and aim the telescope, in order to focus moonlight like a laser on the Wolf. They don’t quite get it right by the time Wolf Boy arrives, and Vickie looks to be Queenskebab when the Doc slides the Koh-I-Noor in the way to redirect the beam and pin the wolf against the wall with light (neat trick, light having no actual mass and all).

The wolf turns back to human, and asks for the light to be made brighter, so he can go. And thus it is done.

Vicky has a “cut” on her wrist, it seems. And she is terribly protective of it. I do hope it isn’t a werewolf bite, because that would be awful.

Tea and Medals. Her Maj knights The Doc (Sir Doctor of Tardis? Why not of Galifrey?) and Dames Rose of the Powell Estate. The Doctor says something warm about Prince Albert protecting Victoria from beyond the grave.

Then Vickie gets all shirty and banishes the Doctor and Rose from her Empire, because they’re all alien and stuff. And she is not amused, so the Doc owes Rose a tenner.

Exaunt Doctor and Rose, speculating that the Royal Family are all Werewolves, ‘cos Vicky’s been infected by a small amount of Wolf, which will manifest itself in about, oooh, now. This apparently explains everything about the Royal Family, including their passion for hunting and Princess Anne.

Back at Casa Sir Robert, Vicky is still miffed over the alien stuff. So she decides she needs to create a Doctor Who spin-off in order to protect Britain, named after Sir Robert’s castle. And thus is born Torchwood!

Next Week: Tony Head! Sarah Jane Smith! K9! Chips!

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In Summary – This is Doctor Who! Barely a pause from beginning to end, chokkablock with fantastic moments, with barely anything I can think of to criticise. Incredible rollicking fun. It seems that Russel Davis does his best work in the historicals or modern-day episodes, being much weaker in the future. More of this, please!